Unexpected Visitors
by gryps incedio
Summary: Last chapter fixed! This is why you should always preview your chapters... :
1. Arrival

_Look, this is my first fic, so do be kind, and constructive … unless you have hilarious insults… then I won't mind :)_

_Unfortunately, I don't own Kain or anything else from Nosgoth, Edios does as usual._

_Ok, this is set in the middle of Defiance, so bear with me._

_And the first of many installments…_

**Unexpected Visitors**

Reeling from the feeling of displacement of those ancient gates (you know the ones), the two heroes, Kain and Raziel, found themselves in the center of a small dark room, as in, 16' x 12' small, with a single small closed doorway as an entrance and exit. Surely if these two men were interior designers, they would have burst into flames. There had been no specific style chosen for the couch and chair, unless "suck" could be a theme; the walls had wood paneling a sickening brown that was reminiscent of excrement; the drapes, just plain god-awful; and the carpet, a haphazard mixture of earthy colors, like algae and dirt.

Raziel furrowed his brow at the drapes' terrible assault to his eyes, while Kain scowled at the floor.

"What sane being could possibly live in a dwelling with such a grotesque display of furniture and drapery without becoming ill?" Raziel disgustedly wondered aloud.

"No one," Kain answered back absently, "for I do believe someone has vomited upon the carpeting."

Raziel became puzzled as to from where the answer to his wonderment had come, as Kain developed a sense of confusion from where the question originated. Just then, they noticed each other. Both men drew their Reavers in preparation of battle, backing up as far as they could from each other, which was like, 2 feet.

"Perhaps we should take this outside," suggested Raziel, putting away his Reaver. Kain followed suit.

As they were about to move out of the visually torturous room, a small burnette woman burst into the room from the door, screeching at the top of her lungs. She had a well-developed body accented by a small yellow t-shirt with tight low-rise jeans, and seemed quite furious.

"If any animals puked in here, _YOU CLEAN IT UP_, Al!"

She angrily stomped in a single foot into the room (as in measurement), only leaving a _single foot_ between her and a confused Kain, before realizing there were strange people in her house. The smell of her fear was pleasing to both men, but was cut short with the smell of her excitement when she, seconds later, recognized who these people happened to be.

She let out a short excited laugh. "It's Kain! Friggin' sweet! In mah livin' room!" She turned from a surprised vampire to the blue wraith. He squinted his eyes. "AND Raziel!" Once again, she laughed. "FRIGGIN' sweet!"

Kain and Raziel faced each other in now equal confusion. Who was this woman, and how did she know them by face and name?

_Well, how'd you like? Could you see the tragedy of which is this woman's living room?_

_I'll explain her next time._

_Please review!_


	2. Enter the Puddi!

_Well, here's chapter two, and sorry if it's a little irratic. Stuff in parentheses are little add-in thoughts to help smooth things out… or not!_

_I have the chick's accent spelled out, so it may get a little confusing, but that just adds to the effect if you ask me. XD_

_Still, I don't own LoK, Edios does. Know what? Let's get this out of my system. Anything mentioned in this fic that is the property of some company, whether it be the PS2, Batman, or toilet paper, it belongs to its respective parties._

_I am applying this to all chapters in this … thing._

_That just leaves in my possession the woman with whom you will be introduced and the ugly house she lives in. Her real name is not revealed just in case any of you readers out there are psyco-killers, but this "gurl" really exists! And her ugly house!_

_Now, shall we continue:)_

Chapter two 

Kain and Raziel stared at the little woman in shock. She knew their names, even there faces, and was staring quite peculiarly at Kain, which made him a tad uncomfortable. Yet he shrugged off that emotion, as he does with many, and stared back at her with a wicked leer. Raziel knew this reaction from his sire; the woman was about to be in serious pain. (as opposed to whimsical pain?)

Kain snatched her off her feet by her throat, hung her in the air, and snarled, "How do you know us, human?"

The woman kicked her bare dainty feet in midair, desperately grasping at Kain's grip upon her windpipe. As an answer to the inquiry, she sounded the only thing she managed to say: "GgggkkkgggkggkkkggkkkkKKKK!"

He rolled his eyes and dropped his victim with a loud _thump_! as Raziel squinted and shook his head at the poor human's misfortune.

The old vampire crossed his arms over his well-defined chest. "Speak, human, or I shall beat it out of you."

The woman scrambled to her feet and dusted herself while doing as Kain asked (how could she not? ). "Ah know yar names 'cuz anyone with half a lick a' sense an' good taste knows ya." Both men stood aghast at her bad accent, wondering from where she could have come. Noticing this, she smiled apologetically. "Sorry, boys," she said sheepishly, "Not from Nosgoth, Ah'm from Texas; bear with me. Kay, this is goin' ta sound all crazy-like, so trah-ee t' keep up."

Kain and Raziel alternated staring at the woman and each other in complete confusion as she rambled on about the LoK games, the outrageous ratings they had on her favorite gaming website (they are much too low: ), and what she thinks might have sent them to her house, and her favorite parts of the games, and out-loud wonderings what time period they were supposed to be in, and various other pointless subjects. (Let's catch her at the end of her little ramble… )

"… so Ah told mah dad ta learn to dodge better in Blood Omen 2, 'cuz hearin' _you_," she pointed to Kain as she spoke, "scream like a little gurl wuz disgraceful! And"

Raziel could stand this no longer. "Stop your mindless ranting, human!" He lowered his voice, speaking to himself but still loud enough to be heard, "She spoke for at least twenty minutes on no particular subject at all; she is worse than the Elder God himself!"

Kain's stupefied stare broke at his former lieutenant's outburst. "Did you say something, Raziel?" He turned to the wraith and back to her, pointing. "She discombobulated me with about how much of absolutely nothing she can speak." Raziel squinted at him.

The woman opened her mouth to start talking once again, but Kain raised a claw, silencing her. "A name to call you by would be helpful."

She spoke some strange outlandish word. Kain once again folded his arms, unwilling to expend the energy of figuring how to pronounce a human's name. "Something a tad simpler, pray?"

The woman shrugged her small shoulders. "Uh little kid called me 'Puddi' (pronounced Poo' dee) once."

Kain raised an eyebrow.

_I think that is the reaction of everyone._

_Keep the reviews coming!_


	3. Say hello to Kain, Kain!

**Woohoo! Chapter three!**

Puddi pushed past Kain a bit to reach the couch that could seat three people and sat in the center. Then she motioned for Kain and Raziel to join her. Reluctantly, they decide to join her upon her furniture as she reached between the cushions for a rectangular object.

"Let's see what's on th' tele!"

The two Nosgothians were amazed at the spectacle which was the fabled "tele". The woman happily explained the science behind the workings of this mechanical device, although they did not understand a word of it. Yet, of course, there was nothing on worth showing her newfound friends. Thus, she decided to play a game.

Activating her PS2, she waited for her BO2 to load.

Seeing his sire in a more humanoid form, Raziel squinted and made an approving sound. "You weren't half bad looking when you were younger."

Puddi smiled. "People here call 'im a chibi man. That is, cute equals chibi."

Once Kain finally starts paying attention to what is going on around him, he notices his younger self on the TV and freaks.

"How, pray tell, did I get on _there_?" he amazedly asked.

Puddi rolled her eyes. "Remember th' games Ah wuz 'ranting' about? This is the technical third or fourth but plot line second game."

Kain stared blankly back at her.

"Whatever."

She put in a code and as it started the part where Kain learns of the whisper (let's call all game Kains, Sprite Kains), Kain notices there is something quite different from when he did this centuries ago.

"You have the iron armor … and," he gasped, "the Soul Reaver!" Kain glared at Sprite Kain in a slight fit of jealously. "That would have been nice to have when I was reawakened."

Puddi tore through Meridian's streets to where Umah "trains" Sprite Kain to kill. She laughed evilly. "Watch this Kain. Ah'm gonna screw yer gurlfriend up something awful!" She laughed again. "Ah'm totally gonna wail on 'er!"

Kain's eyes narrowed. "She was not my girlfriend, merely a friend," he said defensively. Puddi scoffed at this statement as she mercilessly attacked Umah with the Reaver. Before Sprite Kain could make an attack, Umah kick him in the head, but he made her pay. Both men had to cringe at the brutality of the battle. Umah was simply … screwed.

"That was quite sad," Kain said with almost pity for Umah. "Funny," he also admitted, "but sad."

"Hee, hee! Yeah." The woman switched off BO2 and started another game. Defiance, from the beginning. Both were very interested in this game, since it began in their recent past. But of course, she could not resist the urge to show them a few more codes.

Kain noticed after she exited the paused menu that something has gone terribly awry with his sword. Raziel squinted at the screen. His sire leaned forward and demanded, "What happened to my Reaver? What is THAT!" He pointed at the strange cylindrical object in the new Sprite Kain's hand. Raziel snickered.

Puddi reached under the entertainment cabinet and pulled out the same object from under it and threw it at Kain. He caught it and looked it over. "That iz a cardboard packin' tube," she explained as she impaled someone with Sprite Kain's one in the game.

Raziel burst out laughing. Pausing the game once again, Puddi turned to him harshly and spat, "Shut up, Raz! Kain is so cool, he could pull out a spoon an' totally wail on ya with it!"

Raziel's brow furrowed. "A spoon?"

Puddi pulled a spoon from her left pocket. "Az in uh 'eating utensil'!" Then threw it at him.

Kain stared at her puzzled. "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?"

The woman turned and stared at him. "Ya know," she admitted, "Ah'm not too sure." She shrugged and returned to playing her game.

Both men scooted back and blinked at her. Kain leaned close to Raziel. "And people say _I_ am psychotic," he whispered. Raziel silently agreed.

After beating some Sarafan loser senseless, Puddi brought Sprite Kain close to him to drink his blood.

"Hickies!" she gleefully exclaimed as Sprite Kain drank from the Sarafan's neck. "Really _BAD_ hickies!"

Kain shifted nervously, slightly embarrassed at such an accusation. "I assure you, Puddi," he explicated, "I am _not_ giving that _man_ a _hickey_!"

Raziel shuddered violently at the thought of anyone, male or female, being passionate with Kain.

But embarrassments have only begun.

_Kain: Yeah, yours._

_Shut up! I think I'm doing ok._

_Kain: Of course YOU think you're doing great…_

_sob! _

_Kain: (gasp) Oops…_


	4. No more games, please!

Chapter iv 

Puddi continued through the game. After going through the first two levels as it were, with Kain and Raziel complaining about how it took them much longer to do it themselves, she decided to show them one last code.

All watched as Sprite Kain, in all his glory, was transformed into a small pale man with a giant head. Kain was horrified and made a very displeased sound.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU _DO_ TO ME, PUDDI?" he roared as he dug his claws into her shoulder. She winced in pain but did not stop playing. Having defeated an enemy, they watched the humorous spectacle of Sprite Kain sucking the blood straight from the neck of a Sarafan warrior.

Raziel pointed and laughed at the sprite. "Aw, Kain," he cooed. "You look _soooo_ cute! HA HA HA!"

Puddi wanted to hear the reactions of the two men would give with the so-called "creeping" the sprites do, so adjusted the camera to a better angle and did so.

Raziel was in hysterics. He laughed so much he toppled off the couch and landed hard on the carpet. Kain did not have the same reaction however. He blushed in embarrassment for just a moment, but then became quite irate at the little woman. Kain growled and wrenched her up to his face.

"How _dare_ you mock me!" he leered into her face. Puddi's eyes widened. "I am not a man with which to trifle, girl!" She nervously shifted her eyes from side to side. "I could tear off parts of you you did not even know existed!" Confused, she stared at him, her head tilted slightly to the side. He smiled much like a shark would. "Or better yet," he cooed menacingly. "Torturing you will not be a bother to me."

Puddi planted a small kiss on the tip of Kain's nose. He quickly let go of her as both men's eyes became wide with surprise. Kain held an expression on his face that screamed 'what is _wrong_ with you?'

She shrugged. "The only reason anyone gets that close to mah face iz for uh kiss," she calmly explained. "Things 've been bad for ya lately, after all."

Kain eyed her angrily as she turned back around to play. The cut scene where Sprite Kain interrogates Moebius roughly for the whereabouts of Sprite Raziel played as Puddi chuckled darkly.

"Don't worry, Kain. Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and sauerkraut!"

The cut scene ended as Sprite Raziel continued in his mission. Raziel gaped; his form had been transmuted as well. He still looked the same, except his body and limbs were short and spindly, topped by a gargantuan head. If he could change colors, he definitely would have become bright red.

Kain giggled wildly as Sprite Raziel crept across the TV screen. "You look positively adorable, my little fledgling!" he deridingly cooed. "Next time, you should not place yourself in the position upon which to be retaliated."

"Duz it hurt y'allses heads trah-eeing not ta end a sentence with uh preposition all th' time?" Puddi mused aloud.

"No," Raziel disclosed, "although it exceedingly substantiates one's portrayal of their own intelligence." He tipped his head towards his former master. "Behold what miracle it has performed upon Kain!"

Of course the old vampire caught that insult and immediately struck back by landing a solid punch square in Raziel's arm, causing him to yelp. Both men viciously slapped at each other, yet neither seemed to land a definite blow.

"All right, ALL RIGHT!" shrieked the furious woman. "If yer goin' ta act like babies—"

Kain mumbled under his breath. "I'm no baby. And he started it."

Puddi glared at him. "—then Ah'll play sumthin' that won't get yer blood boilin'." She switched off her PS2. Delicately replacing Defiance in its case, she placed a new game within the consol.

The title was _Silent Hill 3_.

She skipped the dream sequence at the beginning, opting to just start the game. After some boring moments of no action, finally Puddi reached the clothing shop where the first enemy shows itself in the real world.

Kain and Raziel stared, horrified. Kain even made a disgusted sound at the appearance of the demonic adversaries Heather fought.

"Enough, human," urged the wraith after a few minutes of disgust and squinting. "This whole thing was entertaining, but now it is too much."

For the first time in a long while, Kain agreed. "Admittingly, this vulgar display of death and gore is grotesque."

Puddi could not believe what she was hearing. Raziel seeing too many dead things? Kain calling something grotesque without looking pleased? She shook her head.

"Your odd fascinations had been compelling," Raziel acknowledged, "yet this one is frightening!"

Kain sternly asserted his desire: "Turn it off."

Puddi sneered. "Not only are ya babies," the woman balked, "but weenies az well!"

"I AM _NOT _A WEENIE!" the infuriated vampire viciously spat.

The young woman laughed hysterically at his accent. "You're _British_!" she cackled.

Kain became quite baffled at this moment. What is British, and why being so is so hilarious to the woman. He did not know whether to be offended or pleased she called him thus, so he just stuck what has been working for him the whole time: he remained confused. But Raziel had been for some time.

"What is a 'weenie'?" he inquired.

Puddi turned off the console and TV and motioned the men to follow her. Doing so, she led them through a claustrophobically narrow but short hallway to another small-but-substantially-larger-than-the-last room. Bare tile floors, a glass table scooted next to a wall, and many counters inhabited this place and was not so assaulting to the eyes of the guests.

They arrived at their destination; a black monolithic refrigerator. She reached inside and pulled out what seemed to the men as a small sausage-like foodstuff, yet it was entirely too flexible to be any sort of sausage.

"This iz uh hot dog," she informed as she wriggled her wrist, causing it to flop side-to-side. "Or like sum uf 's call it, uh weenie." Then she bit into it.

The men stared in frightful awe at her. But then she had an idea!

"Hey guys," she mischievously solicited, "wanna see sum'm' _cool_?"

Kain and Raziel glanced nervously at each other.

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_Kain: Oh, god. What are you going to do now?_

_You wait and see!_

_Raziel: Can't be any worst than what she has already done…_

_Heh, heh! Just wait!_

_Kain: Hey, do you remember SMOKE's plea for a storyline? Why don't you make one?_

_Hmm... Ok. I figure out how to get you guys back. THANK YOU SMOKE FOR REVIEWING! And for all you other people: PLEASE! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW!_

_Raziel: Stop begging; it's pathetic._


	5. The Scent of Balance, Latin speaking, an...

_Kain: Human! You should update a tad bit more often than every bloody few months!_

_Hey! I'm sorry! With DEP and AP Testing going on, my brain has been feeling mushy in a bad way and I hardily have any time for myself anymore!_

_Raziel: That is not our problem, wench! Write your pathetic stories and end this disgrace you have so knowingly bestowed upon us!_

_Shut- up, you skinless, paper-thin, crotch-monger! Stop your infernal bitching! You are such a weenie crybaby!_

_Kain & Raziel: 0.o!_

_Sorry. I like Kain better, so only he can get gruff with me. That's what makes him cool. So you don't._

_(Kain displays a big grin as Raziel sulks in the corner)_

_OK! This one gets a storyline!_

**Chapter v**

The young brunette woman began to lead Kain and Raziel through the small kitchen, when suddenly she was reminded of a recent find at the local supermarket. She turned her heels on the slick tile, tripping over herself and almost crashing into Kain; luckily for him, he is paranoid and always on the alert, thus he dodged out of the small woman's way in the nick of time. Yet unfortunately for her, he did not bother to help, and she landed face first on the cold floor.

Puddi groggily brought herself to her feet. Shaking her head to clear her dizziness, she explained the reason for the delay. "While mah mom an' Ah were at th' H. E. B. – that's uh store, ya know – Ah found this." She reached for the counter and grabbed a small, baby blue, triangular box. "Ah just had ta buy it," she shrugged sheepishly as she passed it to the vampire.

Kain stared with a confused look at the box. The clear top showed the contents; inside was nothing more than three small pale blue candles. He doubted his true interest lie with them, so he investigated the box further. Raziel at this time had scooted behind his former master, quite curious himself why Puddi would think such a thing would be fascinating to either of them. Kain flipped the box over to view the underside, carefully holding the top as to not spill the contents. There were words here. Both men quickly scanned through the top line.

Kain's eyes went wide in surprise. "I must be reading wrong," he chuckled amusedly. Puddi shook her head with a wry smile spread across her face. "My gods! Balance Candles!"

Puddi giggled at the hilarious expression on Kain's face. "Oh, that's not all," she taunted humorously. "Keep readin'!"

Kain did as he was asked and broke into laughter. "The scent of 'lush lavender combined with sweet tangy tangerine?'" he cackled as he read the scent exactly how it is explained on the back. He almost went into hysterics. "This is too much! It is even in the shape of the Balance Rune!" Kain suddenly stopped. "Do I really smell as such?" he pondered aloud.

Puddi crossed her arms in triumph under her chest. "Ah'd like ta think so," she announced proudly. Kain shook his head at the woman, continuing to laugh to himself.

Raziel harrumphed as he crossed his arms. "Why does he get his own scented merchandise?"

Kain had a great retort, yet Puddi beat him to the punch. "'Cuz nobody wants ta have their house smell like beef jerky," she said quite matter-of-factly. Kain let out a hardy laugh; this comeback definitely was better than his own. Seeing Raziel's dejected expression, Puddi released a sympathetic moan. "Ah'm sorry, Raz, but ya set yaself up for it." She gave a dismissive wave. "Enough of this," she finished as she took the candles and placed them back on the counter. "Ah promised a good show."

Puddi happily scurried to a separate, slightly smaller room. Her room. School papers for her various classes, Batman comics, and mangas scattered the ugly carpet. Concerning furniture, there are merely the necessities: a twin-sized bed that was never made that morning, a simple dresser with more clothes on top of it than in it, and a plastic trunk-like thing shaped and used as a bench. On it rested a small CD/tape capable radio. She approached the one thing in here she ever intended to show anyone. Her newest baby.

Both men knew what the glass box on her dresser was, yet not why she had one in her room. These were rare in Nosgoth; scientists studying a creature that could be dangerous usually own such things (of course not knowing how common they are here!). Yet she possessed one, which caught both men's interest.

"Little woman," inquired Raziel, "why do you have a terrarium in your personal chambers?"

Puddi turned and scoffed at his remark. Little woman! "Ah told you what you can call me by, so Ah ain't answering ta 'little woman!'"

"You just did," Kain pointed out.

"Shut-up!" She reached inside the far right top drawer of her dresser to retrieve a small brown paper bag and placed it on one of the few clear spaces above it, next to the terrarium. "Az Ah promised, Ah'm gonna show you sum' in' cool." Something in the bag squirmed. Puddi turned her back to the men as she plucked the bag off the dresser. "Ah wuz gonna do this tomorrow, but Ah believe this constitutes as uh exception, with you bein' here an' all." The bag gave out small squeaks as she removed the top of the terrarium. Kain's ears pricked up. Unlike Raziel, he had many a time where he had to live in less than wonderful surroundings and recognized these noises. He shook his head. It can't be.

She reached inside the terrarium and removed the half of a cocoanut shell that rested upside down. Underneath it lay a small black creature that stared up at the three of them with beady golden eyes. It coiled in anticipation.

Raziel crossed his arms and squinted his eyes at Puddi. "You own a snake. Go figure."

"His name is TV Superstar Adam West!"

Seeing the two men did not understand the signifigance of the name, she reached into the bag and drew out a small baby mouse just old enough to have fur and move around a little. "What are you going to do with that creature?" Raziel curiously asked.

Puddi dangled the baby mouse by its tail as she explained. "This iz uh baby mouse with hair, but th' eyes ain't open yet. This iz called a 'fuzzy.' Cute, huh?"

Kain scoffed at this notion as Raziel placed his claws at his hips. "I suppose," he reluctantly sighed.

"An' do ya know what we do with fuzzies?" she asked slyly.

Kain smiled. From the tone of her voice, he had a feeling he was going to enjoy this. Puddi turned around to her snake and dropped the fuzzy inside the terrarium and placed the top back upon it. All three pressed themselves against the glass for a better view. Puddi grinned, knowing the great show to come. The snake suddenly lashed out, catching the fuzzy by the chest in his teeth as it squeaking pathetically. Within a blink of an eye, the snake coiled tightly around the mouse and began to suffocate it. Both men's eyes went wide with surprise.

Raziel grabbed Puddi's shoulder harshly. "That is vile, woman!" he acidly spat. "Relishing in the pain of another creature's child! That is completely despicable!"

Kain started laughing at the dying mouse.

Puddi's brow shot up. "Snakes gotta eat, mice gotta die," she simply said. "Besides, do you really care what happens ta uh baby mouse?" Raziel let her go with a very displeased look on his face.

Kain continued to enjoy watching the snake eat his meal. He had begun to swallow his now dead prey. "Horribilis," he chuckled to himself, "sed magnificus."

"Consentio," Puddi answered to Kain, hearing his mumbles. "Raziel sed vexandis nos." She crossed her arms as she pouted.

Kain's eyes widened. "Latinum loquoris?" Puddi happily nodded. "Dicis non ante quare! Bonus est! Laetus sum! Me loqui aliquis postremo!" Kain and Puddi continued, speaking very fast to each other.

Raziel, hearing the excitement between the other two and unfortunately not knowing this language himself, felt very left out. After some minutes of Kain and Puddi talking and laughing amongst themselves, he could not take being ignored anymore.

"What are you people saying!"

Kain and Puddi blinked at the sudden outburst. Puddi tapped Kain on the shoulder. "He kinda freaks out."

Raziel growled. "I HATE this place! Of course Kain finds someone who will worship him! You are being deceived like all his fledglings. He is not a man with which to associate, no matter how many languages he knows!"

"Ah don't worship Kain!" she spat indignantly. "If ya must know, Batman iz th' one Ah love." Kain raised an eyebrow. "Well, Ah love you too," she quickly added, "just him more."

Kain furrowed his brow. A human actually liked him? He shook his head and turned to his once fledgling. "Raziel, people do not wish to correlate with one so vexing such as you."

Raziel's eyes burned with anger. "Why you murderous, betraying, arrogant—"

Puddi knew better than to let this continue. "Alright boys! Cut it out! Inspira, exspira." Kain took a deep breath. Raziel stared blankly at her. "Breathe in, breathe out, Raz." He performed a haughty sigh, which surprisingly helped to compose himself at least a little.

Calmer now, Raziel once again addressed his former sire. "Despite how much I am enjoying this reprieve from my daunting task," he mocked, and then turning serious, "I do believe we must find a passage home."

"I agree," Kain sagely added. "We have much to do in Nosgoth, and although this side trip had been uplifting," he turned to Puddi, "we must return to our homeland."

Raziel scoffed at his acknowledgement of the small woman. "Why are you asking her of all people?" he demanded. "She cannot speak a single proper sentence, she has given no sign of intellect, and I do believe she is insane!"

Kain acquired a sudden stern expression as he condescended to his fledgling. "Do not automatically assume one is foolish because of a speech impediment!" Puddi started to protest him saying she had this problem, but decided to let it go. Indignance replaced itself with pride. Kain does not defend just anyone, after all. "SHE knows this world," Kain continued, "SHE seems willing to help, SHE is the ONLY person we know here, and SHE had the INTELLIGENCE to learn quite possibly the BEST language that EVER EXISTED!" Puddi nodded in agreement of the last part of his speech. Kain crossed his arms over his chest in confidence. "I put my full faith in her ability to try to find a way back to Nosgoth." Puddi's elation left her; she noticed the try.

She cleared her throat. "Well, Ah suppose we should start lookin' for anythin' that could transport uh vampire and wraith ta th'r respectable dimension."

Raziel snootily dropped his arms to his sides. "And where, pray tell, shall we find such a device?"

Puddi blinked at Raziel in surprise. Then she rolled her eyes. "Why, where everyone 'n th' world finds _anything_!" She motioned for the two men to follow as she walked out of the room. "We godda go ta Wal-mart!"

_Well, well! I now have a storyline! Happy, Smoke? _

_Kain: And now I have someone with which to speak! _

_Raziel: I hate you, Gryps. I looked as though I was an imbecile. YY_

_Kain: And a Hippie!_

_Raziel: Yes! Why did you think I would mind watching a snake eat? I do much worse!_

_I dunno. You seem the type._

_Kain: (laughs)_

_Raziel: Why you little!_

_(attacks Gryps. Gryps sets him alight)_

_Raziel: AHH! (puts himself out) Bitch._

_Hee, hee! _

_(Raz punches her)_

_Owies!_

_Review please!_

_And Batman's HOT!_


	6. Oh God! Kain's behind the wheel! Run!

_Kain: Oh, Smoke. How we love thee…(cough!)_

_Raziel: At least your reviews._

_Oh Smoke of all smokes, you make me a happy person. Although I do really like Razmataz. He's just fun to pick on._

_Kain: You have to admit, he is kind of feminine…_

_Raziel: At least I don't act like a slut…_

_He's not a slut! He's just … flirty or something. I don't know. I don't think of Kain sexually, only the Batman._

_Kain: Hey! What does he have that I do not?_

_You really want to know? _

**Chapter vi**

It was night and it was quiet. Despite this street belonging to the "prodigious" middle-class section of the rural town, it was terribly lit. A single amber streetlight illuminated the center houses, yet merely cast deep shadows upon the rest. The soft off-white light of the street perpendicular to this one gave the entire first half of the houses an eerie spectral glow.

Near the end on the eerie side of the street a red and white house, reminiscent of a single-story barn, sat quietly. A weak yellow light shone within not so much as a door-less garage, as a carport with a roof. A large blue SUV blocked most of this light from the street's view.

No crickets chirped. No strays roamed the streets. A bat flew silently past. So peaceful.

Blam!

The heavy wooden door inside the "garage" burst open, loud masculine and feminine voices pouring out of the house as a small brunette, a blue wraith, and a vampire king stepped into the night. So much for peaceful.

Raziel casually leaned against the SUV as the woman searched her pockets. He shook his head; her low-rise blue jeans were too tight, and she had trouble fitting her hands in them. She hissed angrily as she hopped around a bit, trying to cram her hands into her pockets.

Kain sniffed the crisp night air. Scrunching his nose, her turned away from the other two with him. "I smell cow excrement and traces of burnt rubber."

She managed to finally free the dangly keys from the confines of her pocket. She let out a triumphant yelp of joy. Both men curiously glanced at her as she brushed her thin hair out of her eyes. "This town iz surrounded partially by th' King Ranch an' there's uh refinery uh few miles out t' th' north." Puddi walked to the driver's side of the vehicle and opened the door. "Get in th' van."

Raziel opened the front passenger door, but before he could sit, Kain came from behind him and plucked him off his feet by his dainty hips and claimed the front seat for his own by giving him a tiny toss. Puddi curiously craned her neck to see past Kain. Raziel lay flat on his back with a slight perturbed expression. "Ah suppose ya called shotgun," she deduced aloud.

Kain raised a brow to her as Raziel clambered into the middle seating area, muttering the usual complaints about his former sire. "Shotgun?"

"Primus postulatio?" she offered.

"Ah, ita. Plane."

"Vero."

The wraith leaned forward in between the cockpit seats. "What are we doing in this contraption, Puddi?"

She loosed a quick light jab to his forehead. He quickly avoided the blow by throwing himself back upright in his seat. "We're goin'. Sit down an' shut up." She buckled her safety belt. "Ah'd advise these," she warned. "Ah don't got mah license." They had no idea what she was talking about, but from her tone of voice, they were pretty sure this was probably good advice.

Puddi jammed the key into the ignition and turned, startling the Nosgothians with the roar of the combustion engine. They tightened the belts. Placing the van in reverse, she attempted to back into the street. Se nearly backed into a tree.

Raziel squeezed his eyes shut, Kain gripped his seat, and finally Puddi managed to pull out completely into the dark street. She let out a giddy giggle as she began driving forward, down to the less spooky end of the street to a stop sign. The two men calmed as she obeyed this traffic law.

"This machine is absolutely amazing!" Raziel excitedly chattered. "With such speeds, one can reduce journeys which would ordinarily require days into hours!" Kain nodded an agreement with his fledgling's excitement.

She turned and flashed them a smile. "Takes uh day an' uh half ta get t' Tennessee fr'm here if ya stop ta stay th' night 'n Little Rock. That's uh few hundred miles." Raziel's eyes went wide with wonder.

Unlike Raziel, Kain was no longer thinking of future implications of this device, but what he could do with it now; he was getting bored just sitting there. He cupped a taloned hand over his chin as he wondered aloud, "How does one operate such an enigmatic device?"

Puddi blinked at Kain. "Ya wanna drive?"

An evil smile spread across his face. "Don't mind if I do." He unbuckled his belt then hers, and much to her surprise, grabbed her by the shoulder and forced a seat trade. He roughly tossed Puddi into the passenger seat and buckled his safety belt.

She adjusted herself in her new seat, peeved at his treatment of her. "Just don't wreck us. If mah parents' insurance goes up, yer payin' th' bill." She buckled her safety belt. Raziel made his even tighter.

Kain quickly glanced at the various levers, buttons, foot pedals, and the steering wheel as he spoke. "Perhaps I shall just kill the ones who threaten to bill you?" He once again cupped his chin with his talons in contemplation.

Puddi chuckled. "Only if ya promise ta throw uh magnet int' their company computers!" She laughed some more. Noticing Kain's brooding, she quickly changed the subject. "Wanna know how ta drive this thing?" She leaned over to his side. "This," she tapped on the wheel with a long nail, "iz the steerin' wheel. It turns the van. Left for left, right for right, 'les yer 'n reverse, then it's th' opposite. This," Puddi pointed to the right pedal, "iz acceleration; this," she pointed at the left pedal currently crushed under Kain's left foot, "iz th' brake. Fer deceleration, either step off th' gas or step a bit on th' brake. Under any circumstance: Don't. Stomp. The. Brake. Yuh'll flip us an' we'll die." Kain took especial note of her final bit of directions. Puddi sat back into her seat and smiled calmly at the vampire, pointing the direction in which to turn. "Are ya ready?"

Kain gripped the wheel much how a racecar driver does right before a race. She started to wonder if this was really a good idea. He revved the engine and said, "You bet I am." Puddi let out a small quiet whimper as he let go of the brake. Yet he did not step on the gas pedal after releasing the brake; he just eased through the turn. She sighed with relief and looked to Kain to try to discern why he did not rocket through this like a bat out of hell. His demeanor was completely relaxed; it seemed he was old enough to know barreling down these streets is a foolish act. Puddi smiled contently, so glad his maturity would probably make this a very pleasant ride.

Raziel however, had become impatient. "Do you think you are going slow enough, old man?" he mocked from the darkness of the back seat area. His former sire merely shrugged.

Puddi had to agree, but not before she reprimanded him. "Stop back-seat drivin', Raz. And yer not even bein' picked up by th' speedometer, Kain. By th' way," she added, "that tells you how fast yer goin'." She pointed the instrument out.

"I wish to ensure that I can do these turns right before I do anything," the elder vampire stated matter-of-factly. Finally, the van pulled into the intersecting street. "Ah, yes. That is good. Now I know I can turn this contraption." He slightly tilted his head and leered. "Let's go!" he growled as he slammed his cloven foot into the gas pedal.

The van Puddi's parents bought was, in fact, a great one; it had a very high safety rating and one of the strongest engines on the market, like a V-8 or something. Thus, having slammed the accelerator to its utmost point caused the engine to explode into life. All three passengers of the vehicle were pressed hard into their seats. Raziel loosed a yelp of surprise as he frantically fought against that force. Puddi, on the other hand, knew the danger in which Kain had unwittingly situated them. She curled upon herself as the street rolled underneath the tires, treacherously swift. This was not good. She soon realized she had not explained there were things like traffic laws and pedestrians that governed how one should drive. Realizing some obvious point, she nearly hit herself in the head. Of course! It is the middle of the night! There is very rarely anyone on the streets at this time of day! She sighed with relief; As long as Kain can remain on the road, all would be fine.

Kain stared wide-eyed as he rocketed down the street over one hundred miles an hour. He assumed the machine to possess oodles of power, yet he did not expect such response from the lumbering device. He could not help but give a slight curl to his lips. By this time, Puddi decided to impart more information concerning their destination.

"'Ey Kain," she shouted over the roar of the engine. "If ya see a street called 14th, get on it." Just by luck, the intersection to get on this particular road came within view. Kain nodded in an acknowledging way to Puddi as he prepared for the left turn. Puddi noticed he was not slowing down. Now this _was_ bad. "KAIN!" she desperately screeched. "Ya hafta slow down through turns er ya'll flip us!" From the fear in her voice, Kain figured that would be bad, so, despite being out of character, he obeyed and slowed. But despite his relinquishment, he still barreled through the turn, obtaining a satisfying screeching from the tires. All passengers of the vehicle were pushed to the right, only their hips being held in place by the safety belts. Kain quickly glanced at the road satisfied; this one had five lanes instead of two and was much better lit. Fast food restaurants and various dollar stores littered the buildings surrounding the street.

Raziel huffed. These belts did not seem to be helping. He leaned between the front cockpit seats again, now capable since Kain figured 50 mph was fast enough. "Puddi, why are we wearing these restraints? Are they truly necessary?" he inquired.

Puddi turned her head. "This baby packs a lot a speed. There t' keep ya from dyin', Raz."

He huffed once again. "Well, I do not require this," he concluded as he unbuckled the belt. "I am already dead," he simply explained. "Thanks to Kain."

His former sire harrumphed as he drifted the vehicle to the left side of the street. "Stop whining, Raziel. Your pathetic complaints have obviously made you feminine!"

Raziel growled low and dangerous. The vehicle now occupied the left side of the road. "_I_ am feminine?" he angrily shouted. "_You _wear _low-rise_ pants!" Puddi giggled. She could not help herself; he had a point.

Kain shot an icy look that cut her gaiety short. She became serious as she explained her treachery. "Well, c'mon, Kain. Those pants're sooooo low, yer like un inch from dick! An' they're soooo tight, Ah c'n almost see every crevice 'n yer body!" Now it was Raziel who could not stop himself from laughing. His eyes practically shot fire at her. Puddi sighed melancholy. She liked Kain, and she completely embarrassed him in front of his fledgling, and he now stared back at her as so. She could not leave him for the wolves.

Puddi leaned close to Kain. He gave her a dangerous snarl, and so she raised her hands submissively to illustrate her intentions. Now he let her get close enough to whisper to him. "Do ya wanna get'm back?" she asked slyly. A new fire burned in his golden eyes. She smiled. "All ya have ta do iz slam the brakes." Kain furrowed his brow, remembering what she had said about that action. "Don't worry," she soothingly cooed. "Just keep th' van as straight as ya can an' ya won't flip." He raised a curious eyebrow. She flicked both of hers twice. He couldn't hold back a small smirk; this might be fun.

He mashed his cloven left foot on the brake. Suddenly the van deduced its speed from 50 mph to 0, causing a terrible whiplash effect on the front passengers. Raziel however, being the unlucky one, flew out of his seat in the back and slammed into the windshield. Yet the carcass he inhabited was not strong enough to break it; instead he crumpled upon himself like a wadded piece of paper against the strong plexi-glass with a disgusting crunch. He landed unceremoniously into the laps of the front passengers. Raziel, who once stood a proud 6 and1/2 feet tall, now lay quivering slightly more than a mere 1 and 3/4 feet.

His head, relatively intact, stared at them with an expression of resentment. Puddi stared curiously back at him as Kain lifted an eyebrow. The wraith coughed a bit. "That," he painfully began, "was… quite painf—"

Raziel exploded. The remaining passengers began to howl in mad laughter. Kain could not believe his former lieutenant just popped! Right in his lap, too! That was just so unexpected! Kain was nearly in tears as Puddi started laughing so hard she wasn't making any sound.

Just then, a knock came to the driver's side window. Both passengers blinked at each other. Kain quickly wheeled around to find a trim adult Hispanic male staring straight into the window. He blinked his golden eyes at him in surprise. He rolled down the window quickly and asked haughtily, "Yes, mortal?"

Puddi craned her neck past Kain to see who had knocked and disrupted their quest. Her big brown eyes went wide in panic. "Oh, hi, Officer," she uttered, trying to sound innocent. "What's th' problem?" She smiled nervously.

_

* * *

Ha, ha! The Cops!_

_Kain: Oh, no. Are we going to jail?_

_I dunno. Maybe._

_Raziel: (still crumpled) I hate you._

_(Kain starts laughing again)_

_Sorry. I though up that when my sister was driving me to the store._

_Kain: Why did he explode?_

_Oh, don't you know? When he "dies" in Defiance, he just sort of goes POP!_

_Kain: Oh, ok._

_(Raziel lays in a crumpled mess and gives a small painful whimper.)_


	7. Hey! Police!

_Kain: Now that finals are complete and school is no longer a concern, can you please update a tad more often?_

_Raziel: Quite. I am ready for some payback to my tormentors. (rubs claws in anticipation)_

_Yes, yes; I'll try. Meanwhile…_

_For Razielim Vampress: Sandy from Spongebob? Well… But I am glad you thought Raz blowing up like he does in Defiance was funny. You see people; I am not the only one who thought his death thing in Defiance was completely silly :p_

_For Smoke: Sorry, Smokies! I'll be sure to really wail on Kain this round_

_Raziel: Truly? (evil grin; well at least if he was capable)_

_Kain: Is this going to hurt? (starting to be frightened)_

_You know I have a sick sense of humor, so probably!_

**Chapter vii**

The Hispanic police officer knew this was to be quite an interesting case. The blue minivan had been driving on the left side of the road at high speeds, and the last time he had encountered such a vehicle, the driver was being attacked by a schizophrenic parakeet. Luckily, he had not the need to flash the spinning blue and red lights; the van came to an abrupt stop in the middle of the lane. He followed suit, stepping out of his cruiser lazily. A loud thump rang against the windshield, and then something inside let out a loud pop! The police officer raised an eyebrow as muffled hysterical laughter reached his ears. He shook his head. _Potheads_, he thought miserably. _Why can't nuthin' BIG happen here? Like 'n armed robbery._ He sighed melancholy as he walked the rest of the distance to the driver's side window.

A single knock was all that was needed to have the driver roll down the window. Much to his pleasure, there was no smoke pouring out of the van, but something was definitely wrong here. The officer's brown eyes widened in surprise; the being situated behind the window was like none other he had ever seen. The man had a strange greenish tint to his skin, much more than what is normal for olive skin tones, which were common in this town. Long white locks cascaded down his back, only making the man look more green. Gripping the steering wheel were thick three-fingered claws, covered by red leather gloves extending halfway up his upper arms and … black gauntlets? He stared straight into the creature's golden eyes and found little comfort. It definitely could be trouble, yet an equally stunned and puzzled expression was reflected back at him. The Hispanic composed himself before the creature noticed his bewilderment, and did what he is paid to do: He leaned towards it, resting a forearm on the van door to look as condescending as possible at the occupant.

A small brunette leaned forward from the passenger side with a nervous smile. The officer cocked a black eyebrow. This could get interesting…

"Yes, mortal?" asked the creature haughtily. Obviously it had noticed the few seconds of staring he did. Oh well, the officer has a job to do.

The little woman started to laugh nervously. "Oh, hi officer," she chimed as coolly as able, yet fear clearly shone in her brown eyes. "What's th' problem?" Her feigned cheery grin spread across her lips once more. This was not good at all. Yet still this man held her curiosity; she knew people here are very superstitious, however he seemed not to even notice Kain for what he is. Then again, people here are also stupid.

The officer stepped back from the blue vehicle and motioned with his hand. "Step out a' 'de car, porfavor," he darkly intoned. Kain cocked his head to the side. A human dared to order him? And worse, call him a porfavor? He did not know what that meant, yet he did not like the tone in which it was said. He unbuckled his seat belt, intent on showing this mortal who shall be ordering whom, but Puddi grabbed his arm. She pleaded with her eyes for him not to do whatever he was going to do and just exit the van. He snorted and complied, with her doing the same.

They joined the Hispanic, stepping out in to the night. The officer blinked; the creature was taller and more muscular than he thought. Quick glances from the three showed there were not other cars and the shops were all closed. They seemed to be the only ones in town. The officer checked his wristwatch. 2:30 am. No wonder. He drew a relatively straight line in the thin layer of dust that covered everything in this township and motioned for the two to come closer. He turned to Kain. "Walk 'dis line heel ta toe," he instructed, even going so far as to demonstrate what he meant. Kain rolled his eyes; surely that pathetic human did not expect him to do soething as moronic as that? The officer angrily stomped to the vampire lord and demanded he do it _right now_! All he earned was a snoot.

That was the last straw for the insulted officer. This resisting an officer of the law, and he couldn't allow that. The Hispanic let out a snarl and drew his gun from its holster. Puddi's eyes bugged as she threw her arms into the air. This was just getting worse. Yet Kain just stared blankly at the pistol. He knew it obviouslywas some sort of weapon, however it had no blade and was much too small to be a useful blunt object. The small brunette woman began to tremble. Never had she ever been threatened at gunpoint. She turned to the vampire king in hopes of some comfort, but she only acquired more fear. Kain defiantly stood staring at the officer, who stared back from behind the barrel of the gun. Puddi panicked, desperately nudging Kain's leg with her foot. "Kain," she begged, "put yer hands up! He's godda gun!" Kain merely turned and lifted a brow at her. She sighed irritated. "Uh gun iz uh weapon that launches uh projectile over tee-yew hundred miles 'n hour at yer FRIGGIN' SKULL!"

Kain blinked. He did not know what miles were, but two hundred of them definitelysounded like it was alot. "Sounds like it could hurt," he shrugged. He lifted his arms into the air as well. The officer grabbed him by his side and forcibly led him back to the van, only to roughly turn him over and press him into the side of the hood. Kain kept himself from being bashed into the hood by extending his arms in front of him and furrowed his brow; what was this man doing? The Hispanic man pressed his body against the vampire's back as he held the barrel of the gun to the back of his head, pinning him to the van. Once the officer felt his perpetrator was secure, he began lightly patting the sides of Kain's hips with his free hand.

Kain eyes went wide. The vampire suddenly rounded on the surprised human and threw him off with his telekinesis. Landing roughly on the ground a few meters away, the officer clumsily rose to his feet. "'Ow DARE you throw Oceefer Gonzales 'n 'de floor!" he bellowed. "Ah will make y'all pay fer—"

Officer Gonzales suddenly felt something sharp and thick prodding his shoulder, stopping his angry rant. He stared ahead, afraid to see what hooligan had what weapon drawn. Kain crossed his arms over his chest, passively looking back at the Hispanic. Puddi, however, seemed quite happy, giving a bright smile to the officer or, much to his dismay, to the person behind him. Finally, he mustered the courage to turn.

What gazed back at him was too horrible for the poor man to endure. A cobalt creature with black hair and glowing eyes stood and despite lacking the organs to do it, looked down upon this pathetic man. Officer Gonzales collapsed in a heap at its feet, violently shaking. After a few seconds, finally he screamed. "Chupacabra! Ya a comel los chivos!" Then he promptly scurried to his cruiser.

"'Ey puta! If that's true, he's no danger ta ya; y' don't got th'm!" Puddi screamed at the man. Gonzales then drove off like a mad dog. "Idiot."

Raziel seemed pleased he frightened the officer in such a way, yet it fell away as he remembered how the instance came to be. "You ruined that corporeal form I took," he acidly droned, "and then had the audacity to LAUGH as it was TORN APART!" He clinched his fist in rage, practically burning holes into the other two. "How dare you."

Kain sighed. One thing he never approved from his fledgling is him taking everything said and done around him personally. "C'mon Raz," Puddi elucidated. "Ya exploded! How c'n y' _not_ think we would laugh?"

Raziel drew his wraith blade and achieved a menacing stance. "And if you exploded?" he threatened.

Puddi crossed her arms. "If ever Ah randomly explode, ya have every right to laugh; 'n fact, Ah'd probably be laughin' too."

Raziel now turned to Kain. "I would expect her, thewierd woman,to do as such, but _you_!" he hissed. "You are over two thousand years old; surely you have matured enough to understand the pain of others."

The vampire king just shrugged as the wraith put away the Reaver. "You caught me by surprise when you exploded. The complete arbitrariness of the whole situation tickled my insanity for a moment." He placed his claws at his hips, chuckling a bit. "Try to see your circumstance from another's view, and I do believe you would understand my reaction."

Kain's antics finally hit one of Raziel's nerves, and in a blind fury, he struck Kain with his claws. Three deep gauges were left on Kain's chest. The blow was too quick for the vampire to react in any use for fighting; Kain stared mortified at his former fledgling and said the only thing that his shocked brain could produce.

"_Ow_!" The vampire lord quickly came to his senses, anger burning freely in his amber eyes. "That is _not_ seeing it any different!" He cradled his new wounds, which were already healing.

Raziel sighed andtried to see it as Kain had, but instead a completely different scene played in his head. "Kain, what exactly was that human doing to you earlier?"

The wraith was surprised to see Kain wince at his question. "I have no idea."

Raziel lifted an eyebrow; he had an idea but… no. It couldn't be. He started chuckling. Then again, maybe it could. "Perhaps," the wraith intoned as best he could without cackling, "he found you quite right for himself."

Kain's eyes went wide in disgust. "He was _not _going to do _that_ to me!" he roared defensively. "Was he?" He glanced about to find his little interpreter, yet saw no one save Raziel and himself. The blue van suddenly pulled up right next to them, the tinted window rolling down to reveal none other than Puddi in the driver's seat.

"Hey bitch-eyes," she called to them. "Get 'n th' van! We're not too far fr'm th' store." Not really concerned with her insult, simply from the pure originality of it, the two piled in the vehicle, Kain once again in front and Raziel in the back. Driving down 14th Street, Kain's unease from the situation with the officer left him with a burning question.

"What was that mortal trying to do to me, Puddi?"

"Pat ya down fer weapons quite normally," she answered, not taking her eyes off the road. She giggled to herself. "He called ya 'chupacabra'. What a moron!"

Raziel blinked in confusion. "Am I a 'chupracarba'? And what was he screaming before he left us?"

Raising an eyebrow, "that's 'chupacabra', an' nuh'n' special. Don't trah-ee speakin' Spanish, ya butcher it," she uttered. She glanced back to see the wraith not sated with such an answer, and sighed. "Just trah-ee not ta eat any goats ya see."

Raziel harrumphed, crossing his arms. "Oh, I do not know how I will stop the impulse," he mocked sarcastically. Puddi gave an disapproving sound as well.

"Don't get yer wings in uh knot. Here," she flipped the car radio on, "why don't ya listen to s'm music, 'uh?" The radio was already on her favorite station, yet commercials were presently playing. She smiled; the best commercial ever written happened to be playing, one that even the other occupants found quite amusing.

_

* * *

Well, that did not turn out as planned…_

_Kain: Why did you let that cop do that to me?_

_Raziel: Revenge is sweet!_

_Sorry. I didn't attend it to come out that way! Honest! I was going to send you to jail, but as I was typing the search scene, my mother came in and pointed out how absolutely wrong that sounded._

_Kain: (sob!)_

_Raziel: Anyway, surely some people do not know Spanish so… translation please?_

_Porfavor is please. A chupacabra is like a demon thing Hispanics believe in that eats goats. Normally they don't attack people unless they try to get the goat back. "Ya a comel los chivos" means He is going to eat out goats._

_And now you know… the rest… of the story. (Freakazoid totally kicks! )_

_Review please!_


	8. Destination

_Yay! Hears another update! If you haven't heard the story, check my profile_. 

_In this one, I'm including a Dairy Queen radio commercial that is soooo cool._

_Kain: Well I think it is stupid…_

_You think everything is stupid. Also, I decided to add a pig part._

_Raziel: Pigs? Why?_

_Pigs are cool! Ride the pig, people! Meanwhile, not too many chapters left in this story, so the torture will end soon._

_Malice-Pyro-Valcom: Here's that update you wanted. I'm sorry about your word program disappearing. I think you're like the only one reading this besides Smoke! SADNESS!_

_Razielim Vampress: No, no offense taken! I just was surprised. I'm glad you liked the 'pat down' thing. It wasn't supposed to happen that way…_

_Kain: But I agree; I need therapy for that now._

_Twisted Sister: He's just so much fun to make fun of. He steps right into it!_

_Abbil: Oh my god, more than like two people are reading this! I feel loved! Hope you like this chapter as well._

_Well, here's to thee, pointless tarry!_

**Unexpected visitors**

**Chapter iix: Destination**

The large building, although at the edge of this town, obviously was the central market. Although dimly lit, the large parking lot was more spectacular in design than that of all the buildings within sight. The lighting made the place almost seem as if there was a fog. Cutting through this surreal haze, a single monumental word shone in white brilliance. The word "Wal-Mart".

A blue minivan crept into the practically vacant lot and parked many, many meters away from the store, next to an empty field. Beyond this, many low-growing trees cluttered together in a small impassable woods.

The driver's side door opened, and out hopped a small brunette woman. She skipped about the van for a moment, tripping over her long low-rise jeans, then walked to the passenger's side and opened the front and back doors.

"C'mon, guys; that's enough radio. It's time ta go in." Finally, Kain and Raziel emerged from the vehicle chuckling to themselves. The brunette smiled and shook her head. Despite all the gravity they weigh upon everything, she was glad they still remembered how to have a good time. "It's nice ta know ya still have uh ear fer mee-ewzic. And Ah'm glad ya liked that commercial; it's mah personal favorite."

"That was fantastic!" Raziel happily chimed as Kain walked up behind him. "And that- what did you call it?- commercial!" The vampire lord gave a playful slap on his back. He turned smiling, or at least would if he could, and regarded his former master with his ethereal eyes.

"Hey, Razzy," Kain asked as he imitated an atrocious Chinese accent, like the ones on kung-fu flicks, "can I have some of your Grilled Mushroom Burger?"

"Hmmmm…" Raziel placed a claw to his jaw, and pretended to really think of the answer. Then in the same sort of accent, he answered, "No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Pretty, pretty please?"

"Hmmmm… . No."

Kain launched himself onto Raziel, striking him many times, but not with any real force. The wraith feigned a struggle, and after a while, Kain subsided his attack. Raziel turned to the woman, eyes mocking desperation, and pleaded, "Puddi! Kain took my Grilled Mushroom burger!"

Kain took a step back, planting his feet onto the blacktop, and raised his claws in triumph. "It is my Grill Burger now!" In that same terrible accent he gave the cheesiest evil laugh he could muster.

This was too much for Puddi. She fell to the blacktop, gripping her sides in pain as she laughed hysterically, muttering to herself how she could not believe they just did that. Both men stared at her with a raised brow; they supposed it was funny, but surely not _that_ funny…

With a single claw, Kain grabbed Raziel's shoulder using some force. He turned to see what the vampire overlord wanted, but was cut short by the look in his eyes. Kain was listening for something. Something possibly threatening. Then Raziel noticed the laughter had stopped, and probably had been for some time. Puddi, still on the asphalt, had a look of attention as well, with the definite tinge of fear. Finally, he decided to listen, not sure what was happening.

Then he heard it.

It sounded like a primal snort, animalistic yet intelligent. Puddi quickly got to her feet, fear still visible in her small frame. The two men asked her what she knew about this sound. Despite all their poking and prodding of the subject, all she could manage to say were a few scared whimpers as her eyes darted to and fro.

A small hunched figure took shape just outside the parking lot, at the edge of the field. Kain tilted his head. Could this odd thing be a killer daemon? Raziel was about to draw his Reaver, when Puddi grabbed his arm and started to pull him back towards the van.

"Crap!" she sqeaked. "Get ta th' van!" She pushed Kain in the same direction. He started to protest, but the shadow let out a high-pitched squeal and charged. He thought it better to get to safety first and evaluate his situation from there. Raziel broke loose from Puddi's grip and ran ahead of her, quickly fumbling over the door latch to the back. She glanced behind only to scream as the shadow surged closer. "No time!" She slapped his claws from the door. "Up here, quick!" She easily hopped onto the van's roof and offered a hand to Raziel. He merely shrugged, slapped her hand away, and jumped up himself.

Kain however, just stared at the oncoming shadow. Why would this thing cause so much fear in Puddi? It snorted and growled with a primeval rage, and it was quite obvious to him that this thing meant business. The dark silhouette rushed ever so closer and came into view enough to actually see well. Kain raised his brow; this was truly a strange creature. It was definitely a wild boar, but it bore distinct uniqueness. It was very dark brown with hair encompassing its entire body. A nasty black ridge jutted off its back, and its hooves were of the same color, yet its malicious tusks were as they should be, white. He had never seen a pig like this, and it was nearly upon him. He shifted his weight from cloven foot to cloven foot, slightly anxious.

"Kain!" Puddi screamed. He turned his attentions. "What's wrong wi' you! It's _dangerous_!"

Kain glanced back to the pig, which was now way too close. Perhaps Puddi had good reason to be frightened. Just before the large pig barreled into him, Kain put a claw on the roof of the blue van and quickly flipped himself up there. It skidded to a stop, luckily not ramming into the vehicle and denting it, and began to pace and snort angrily.

Raziel casually spectated the doings of the pig, while Kain aridly harrumphed to himself. They did not wish to live out eternity atop this contraption, but every time they tried to dismount it and attack the pig, Puddi would grab their arm and tell them to wait a while longer.

In the distance, Puddi spied for what she had been forcing wait. "Watch this," she cooed slyly to her companions. She cupped her thin hands around her mouth and gave a mighty shout. "_Javelina! Javelina!_" Kain and Raziel stared puzzled at her disruptiveness, but then they noticed something was coming. It was definitely another sort of vehicle, but this one was small, only able to fit one person. The engine gave an annoying whine as it came to a stop near them. A fat officer man stepped out of it, holding a strange can in hand. He walked as close to the rampaging pig as he dared, and pushed the button near the top of the can, which let out a piercing, earsplitting noise that caused the three on the van to tightly clasp their ears.

This noise however, scared the pig and sent it running back into the field and woods, where it belonged. "Thanks, dude!" Puddi chimed as she happily jumped off the van. He gave a bit of a salute, got back into his go-cart, and continued his patrol. "Security," she stated matter-of-factly. "Th'r always ready to lend uh helpin' hand." The two men hopped off the vehicle as Puddi began leading the way to the large double doors of the Wal-Mart. "C'mon guys, time ta go in."

Kain and Raziel eyed each other questionably. What new surprises lie in store? What strange things are contained in this place so brazenly labeled?

_

* * *

Kain: Finally…_

_Quite._

_Kain: And I could not help but notice the second to last sentence. You really need to stop listening to your disks of The Phantom of the Opera._

_(sigh) I know, but the recording of the stage production is sooooo much better than the movie._

_Raziel: Whatever. Our problems are far from over, aren't they?_

_Yep. And for those who do not know, Javelinas (pronounced Hah-veh-LEE-nahs) are a sort of wild pig that is very dangerous, but tastes soooo goooood._

_Stay tuned for the next chapter! We're actually going in this time!_


	9. Into the Store Finally!

_Heyah, guys! Prepare yourself to enter Wal-Mart!_

_Raziel: About time…_

_Smoke: How ya doin? Glad you thought the Dairy Queen commercial thing was funny._

_Gir: I love that show…_

_Malice-Pyro-Valcom: Good luck on your sequel! I think you'll like what's coming up!_

_The Twisted Sister: Glad you liked the piggy. Just be glad you don't have to deal with these!_

_Moebius: I get humiliated and killed at the very end of this chapter, so keep reading after the next batch of italics! (sigh dreamily) I have finally gotten some time in her story…_

_(slaps Moebius) Enough talk! Let's get started!_

**Unexpected Visitors**

**Chapter ix: Into the Store … Finally!**

Puddi led the way towards the large glass double doors of the Wal-Mart. All the while, the two men complained about the pig incident. She aridly explained she didn't want to take a side trip to the Hospital. Finally they arrived at the front doors where many signs were taped to the glass, ranging from recent sales to local happenings. But one caught Kain's interest in particular.

"No shoes, no shit, no service?" he read.

Puddi gave him a dirty look for not noticing a strategic r missing from the sign. "That's 'no shoez, no _shirt_, no service. Means--" She stopped and slammed her hand hard against her forehead. How could she have forgotten this? Puddi turned and faced the confused men. "Look guys," she explained, "Ah need ta go 'n there first an' buy ya some dress requirements." They weren't getting it, so she decided to continue explaining. "They w'll not allow ya inside without uh shirt, Kain," she turned to Raziel, who thought because his little cover would be fine as a shirt, he was out of any need for additional attire. She looked at him sternly. "An' unless you have forgotten, Raz-mah-taz, ya got no pants!" Kain laughed at that last comment as Raziel looked down at his nuded pelvis. "Even though it doesn't specifically say 'no pants', they are _always _implied."

"Oh, of course."

She sighed. "Just stay here an' stay oudda trouble." She quickly slipped inside the doors and out of sight. Kain and Raziel vamoosed over to the curb not ten feet away from the door and sat. The wraith turned to his former master and noticed he seemed quite annoyed. When he asked the reason for his irritation, he only received a haughty harrumph. Kain had never been a great conversationalist about emotions.

It wasn't too long after that Puddi showed up carrying the items the two undead men needed to enter the establishment. She handed Kain a large black t-shirt. "This iz yers, and this," she handed a pair of brown cords to Raziel, "iz yers. Feel free ta keep'im." Taking off his red sash and tying it around his waist, Kain quickly threw the shirt over his head and firmly tugged it into place. It fit pretty snug against his chest, but it wasn't uncomfortable. He could not help but notice the bright red lettering stenciled brazenly across his torso. He raised an eyebrow.

Raziel jumped into the brown corduroys Puddi had bought him that amazingly matched the color of his clan sash he wore across his face. Buttoning them up, he turned to see what Kain was wearing and laughed. The vampire overlord gave Puddi a look of ire. "Why did you buy me this, Puddi?" he asked as calmly as he could. Looking down, the crimson words 'I eat kids' stared back at him mockingly.

She giggled a bit behind her dainty hand. "Ah thought it matched ya." Raziel nodded in agreement. Kain retorted with a fiery glare. "Well, anyways," sighed Puddi. "We're all ready ta enter now, sooooo … c'mon!" she exclaimed excitedly and ran inside the glass double doors. Kain shrugged and both men proceeded to go in the establishment.

Their eyes widened in amazement; these two have never seen such a vast marketing area. Puddi, not too far in front of them and holding small red basket, motioned for her companions to join her at her side. Passing the clothing section, Kain saw where she found his shirt, as many copies of it hung from a rack in the men's section as Raziel, much to his dismay, found his cord pants in the women's.

The whole time they wandered the aisles, soft music played in the background. Noticing the punctuated loudness of the chorus, Kain cocked an eyebrow towards Puddi, who just shrugged back. "Phil Collin's 'Sussudio,'" she informed. "Th' store plays s'me nice muzic for people, since they're more than likely gonna be here a while." Looking at the various items for sale at such low prices, they could believe it easily. The upbeat music stopped, and a strange piano solo began to flow through the aisles. And then the strangest lyrics began.

_Isn't it nice to have a penis?_

All three people's brows shot up.

_Isn't it right wonderful to have a dong?_

"What is _that_ playing?" asked a shocked vampire lord.

Puddi laughed. "Sometimes they play the weirdest of music in the middle of the night."

Raziel stared disdain at his cord pants and sighed heavily. "I miss my genitalia."

Both his companions jumped back. Puddi just stared at him in astonishment as Kain looked disgusted. He quickly wheeled around to find something, anything, to get his mind off the terrible image he acquired.

Kain picked up a metal apparatus with two attached agitators. "What is this?"

She glanced back to see what he was holding. "That iz uh beater. Ya push the button when it's plugged in, an' it will beat stuff."

He looked at it carefully as Puddi showed him where the button lay. Of course, pushing the button makes the beaters spin, but he tried it anyway, out of curiosity. Raziel was next to him, yet not concerned with what his former master was doing: he occupied himself with staring at a toaster. Kain placed a claw to his chin in thought. He snuck the beater to Raziel's head, into his hair, and turned it on.

The pained scream that followed filled the aisles. "Kain! Get it off me _now_!" Kain's eyes went wide at the response he received from the wraith. He could not deny its potential as a backup weapon.

"Can we buy this?" he asked Puddi, making himself look as striking as possible.

She snatched the beaters away from him. "We're not here ta look fer more torture devices fer ya, Kain. But since you asked soooo nicely…" Puddi dropped it into the basket. Raziel rubbed his sore head and tried to fix his now disheveled hair. After rectifying his hairstyle, he grabbed the nearest utensil, which happened to be a spatula, and roughly slammed it onto the vampire lord's forehead.

"Cut it out, yew tee-ew!" Puddi yelled as she gently pushed the men down the aisles.

Surprisingly enough, they found that item of great importance, the one thing that can bring Kain and Raziel back to their own reality, in none other than the Wal-Mart's famous electronics section. Ironically, it looked just like the hand-held time streaming device Moebius gave Kain when he was a fledgling.

Puddi regarded her new friends with a sad smile. "Well, after all that crap we've shlepped through," she chimed, "finally yew tee-ew can go back to whence thy came."

Raziel crossed his arms. "It is too late now to use proper English," he nagged.

"Shudup." She returned to her somber yet happy expression as she handed Kain the dimensional transcender. "With this, you may return to your lands and fulfill your duty as Scion of Balance." Kain took the device and nodded. Raziel stepped close to the vampire lord as he held up the device.

"Oh, one more thing," Kain cooed. He drew his Reaver with his free hand. Puddi's big brown eyes went wide with fear. _Oh crap_. Kain plummeted his serpentine blade through her well-developed chest.

And that was the last thing that little woman saw.

_

* * *

Kain: (laughs manically)_

_Hey! That's no way to honor the dead!_

_Raziel: No, but at least I get to laugh at her for dying. (laughs loudly) Hurts to die, huh?_

_Anyway, well, let me know how you liked the ending! -gryps incedio_

_

* * *

I know what question is left on your mind: What can Kain use a beater for? Well, let me tell you…_

Kain entered the inner sanctum of the Vampire Citadel and saw someone he had not expected to meet. He smiled. This was truly going to be fun.

Kain hopped down the large pit, landing silently behind the one man he would kill over and over for the rest of eternity. His prey stood slightly hunched, his head bowed in submission as he talked to his unseen lord. He mentioned the vampire lord's death, and so he decided to speak.

"You're a bit premature."

The hooded man wheeled around. "Kain!" But how could he be alive!

"Is there a crack in your omniscience after all, Moebius?" he said slowly and dangerously. The Time Streamer raised his staff to immobilize him as he had done in the depths of the Sarafan Stronghold, but it had no effect. Moebius broke out into a sweat. "First your omniscience, then your powers." Kain smiled. "You're slipping badly."

"It is not possible!" Moebius said, panicked.

Kain bat away the useless staff and roughly grabbed the old man's hand to bring it to his chest. A gaping and bloody hole resided there. "The part which that staff affected is no longer in its place," he informed. "But you already knew that." Kain pushed the Time Streamer from him. "And now, Moebius, it is time."

"To kill me? _Again_!" he wailed. "Your solution to every problem. Kill!"

Kain stopped. An idea struck him. "I do not necessarily _have_ to kill everyone," he mused to himself aloud. He reached behind him and drew the beater he received from Puddi. Kain quickly grabbed the old man and pressed his upper torso against the agitators and tuned it on.

Moebius loosed a high-pitched squeal that even Raziel heard in the ethereal realm, having received the worst pinch to the nipple he had ever experienced.

Of course, Kain killed him, yet he still invented a new attack for himself.

The Texas Titty Twister.


End file.
